Crazy shit like this?

Steroids are good if you like shitting piss and pissing shit

2011-07-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

Thermometers would be more informative if they developed goosebumps when chilly, turned frosty when freezing, did nothing when comfortable, sweat like a hot scrotum sack when hot or ran like a faucet when really fucking hot

Perhaps I have bats in the belfry.(8trak)

Baseball Bat Cadavers

2011-03-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

When I'm out and about and walking around on the ground and come across a lonely stone or rock I like to pick up said stone or rock and relieve myself where the rock was and then place the rock back down. Its comforting from a certain perspective to know with almost absolute certainty that traces of anyone else's piss will never be found under these scattered stones but mine. The power one feels from such knowledge is almost enough to melt glaciers with one glance.

(8trak)

Space Pie

2011-03-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

space pie would probably taste pretty good.

(8trak)

there's a warplane in my thunder box

2011-03-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

today in the bathroom I experienced probably the closest thing to child birth a man can experience.

also woke up in the middle of the night to pee. Piss session was long and dream like.

few should wear cheese for shoes.

(8trak)

Dear Robocop

2010-12-09T23:51:00.001-08:00

Dear Robocop,

Thank you Robocop from the bottom of my heart for showing me how to kick ass and take names. Seldom(if ever) you are given credit for dismantling the Iron Curtain but I know deep down that it was you all a long. You've been under the radar for many years now but I know you are still there lurking under the surface like a predator with sharp teeth and cartlidge fin. You're the best. I wish i had lazer beam eyes like you. bye

(8trak)

The garbanzo in my head keeps on a spinin

2010-11-09T18:35:00.001-08:00

There's a fungus
among us
and you are the one.
To find it
and kill it and
shoot it at the sun

(8trak)

Communion host nachos

2010-11-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

I think all Jesus freaks should be forced to smoke crack cocaine on a daily basis.

If they don't already.

venom comes in many shapes and sizes

2010-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

when will they finally invent a pill that violently explodes upon making contact with the enzymes inside our stomachs?

I think this pill would be best used on people who are always angry. and rascists as they are always angry too. There should simply be no tolerance for people who treat their fellow man with anything other than decency.

hold the anchovies please

(8trak)

in the future sidewalks will be made with the scraps left over from fat old pigs

2010-11-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

who will be laughing then? Not me I tell you. Not me.

(8trak)

Put on your old school leather football helmet. We're gonna go slap dragons

2010-11-06T09:33:00.001-07:00

When we finally reinvent the prom I hope they allow angry bulls into the event.

Speaking of bulls I'd actually like to see one in a china shop. I bet they would just stand their menacingly in one of the aisles as you came around a corner just to remind everyone not to fuck around with the china.

(8trak)

The Galaxy wore its raincoat to the beach

2010-11-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

"Gentlemen, rev your engines and blow up the balloons. There's going to be a party in the cafeteria with chicken wings and things," said the horseshoe pattern bald emcee as he grabbed his crotch.

Quickly, quietly the audience loathed the host with all their might wishing at once that he was naked and humiliated on stage. Their thoughts worked together tirelessly and their brain waves brandished all its weaponry to bring down this God awful person standing before them.

"There's no way out, although you already made it in," continued the host.

A crazy eyed, buzz-cut Marine reject stood up in the crowd and screamed, "That's what she said you child molesting mother fucker!" The ex-marine whipped out a pistol from his waistband and fired a single shot, exploding through the microphone in his hand before breaking through the flesh between his eyes and stream rolling through his brain out the back of his skull. It was all so impressive from 30 yards (at least) away.

The audience poured its chaos to the shooter. He found his way on their shoulders as he was carried out of the mess hall in a bum rush, celebrating their mass exorcism from the banality of it all.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Chicken and Dumplings did

2010-11-04T00:16:00.001-07:00

On this, the 8th annual Pennipacker Pumpkin Punch, we remember those who have fallen as result of food poisoning and accidental hydrochloric acid related deaths by punching pumpkins in the face as hard as we can until they rupture and ooze. It was started by Edwin Pennipacker and the proceeds go to food poisoning awareness. Shrimp cocktail will be the primary food at the event. Bon appetite! And Happy Punching!

(8trak)

lets all forget nuclear science and go bowling

2010-10-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

it was just before supper when he began vomiting sinus secretions and blood. thinking back on those events it was the way in which his eyeballs bulged that was the real ice breaker and a topic we've since discussed almost exclusively.

poopoo time

(8trak)

Is that bacon or sunshine?

2010-10-27T21:05:00.001-07:00

The pumpkin filling for pumpkin pie reminds me of what it might look like if a taco took a shit. That's all.

(8trak)

On the way things haven't been

2010-10-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

i don't know where i am or who you are but this clam dip is amazing.

(8trak)

Death by my Face or Reissuing Childhood Memories

2010-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

I think the boardgame Clue should be reissued. In this new version, the concept of actual people will be replaced by body parts. This poses a couple of questions:

Which body part would be the worst villain of sorts? (pinky toe)

What body part would be the most despised among its brethren? (kidney)

What would be the weapon of choice for each organ if it was a serial killer?

I think:

-the vagina would be a knife wielding psycho - a very messy killer
-the ear: a conniving, sly bandit that poisoned its victims
-eyeball: definitely a gun enthusiast a la Tackleberry
-nose: the one nobody suspected that killed each victim differently
-uvula: grenades
-kneecap: Chinese throwing stars and other ninja related skills
-heart: a strangler
-brain: electrocution with a heavy dose of torture

Just imagine the spleen in the conservatory with the lead pipe...

Grenadine

2010-10-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

The body parts were freshly laid out on the black canvas. The doctor felt around for a light and then realized he was in the wrong room.

He found the switch and illuminated the small den, jumping at the site of his grotesqueness in mirror after mirror after mirror. He was surrounded by his own likeness and it made his brain vomit.

He picked up the spleen and threw it against the mirror, watching it leave a trail of bile adjacent to his ugly reflection.

Then he punched in.

My morning mantra on the way to Church

2010-07-27T10:03:00.001-07:00

In breakfast, there is truth.

In coffee, there is knowledge.

And in my morning poop, there is corn.

You magnificent beast you adagio

2010-06-26T00:55:00.001-07:00

To all you oil fanatics: I hope you find Quakerstate on your Scrotums and your adrenal glands!!! And eat poisonous stew made from rancid beef.

Happy trails to you you old rich white haired fucks!!

-- posted from lightbulbs 'R' us

(8trak)

The equalizer

2010-06-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

a "to do" list unlike any other

Obliterated all hamsters in cage? Check.

soiled pants? check

give the hedges a good thrashing? Check

(8trak)

Her Name was Dawg Vaumit

2010-06-10T08:34:00.001-07:00

I'd like to tackle a nuclear bomb and rub it's face in gravel.

(8trak)

Their webdings licked the thermostats assholes

2010-06-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

shaved showered and put the tool box in more disarray than ever before.

all is well that ends well they say but what if the goal for the "ends well" part is intentionally bad...doesn't that make it no so well on both counts?

I need some smelling salts up in here

2010-05-26T15:40:00.001-07:00

Bunson burners can go suck a dick!!!!

People of the Earth!

2010-05-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

Join me in my struggle against the tyrany of the manufacturers of Juicy Juice!

I'll wager you never imagined you'd read that on this day.

Soup is the food of peasants no more!!

-- don't eat dirty ass

The rhinoplastys were complimentary.

2010-04-06T18:41:00.001-07:00

In my next life I want to come back as a canon ball that smells like lightning and tastes twice as good. And maybe ill feel like velvet. Chocolaty velvet.

My molasses is on the fritz

Their sphincters whispered a lullaby

2010-04-06T06:48:00.001-07:00

The sun whistled a salty tune of whicker men and moldy cheese.

It's Tuesday so it's fondle a neighbor day right?

-- Posted from on top of a mountain

Ass cancer

2010-03-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

The movie is called "Ass Cancer: the Story of a Man who Thought it was Funny when he got Ass Cancer at First, but then he Realized Shit was Real and Slowly Died and it's Actually a Really Sad Movie."

Trailer:

Doug Parkin come home from work with some news...

"I GOT FUCKING ASS CANCER!"

[He screams this comically and laughing as he stands with his hip resting against the island in the middle of his kitchen.]

But then (cue "Let my Love Open the Door"]

He learns...

How ass cancer...

Can also make you...

An ass of a man...

[and then he becomes a donkey (with ass cancer?) I don't know.]

*****
I think I might have ass cancer. Seriously.

They came baring gifts of baskets filled with dynamite

2010-03-26T10:40:00.001-07:00

The bicycle wheels turned but the people on the bike went no where.

That's what happens when you try to ride through a swamp.

-- Posted with love

the toilet paper in the bedroom sounded like a swarm of huming birds

2010-03-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

nope

yeah

maybe

alright

no soft stool for the first time in a week and a half.

2010-03-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I drank a rum and coke while on the john. It was filled with wonder and joy.

The trumpets sounded when the little people stumbled on to the beach.

Popcorn

OMG Biggest Loser with retards only except the host

2010-03-23T18:33:00.001-07:00

well, maybe the host.

that is all.

No, wait. There should be a skinny, in-shape person to compete in all the physical challenges they do every week...you know, just to let everyone remember what's really going on out there.

My trenchcoat is a dick

2010-03-22T06:25:00.001-07:00

The turnpike on my way to the Parkway where I'll drive to my driveway and park

What time does the horse poop start?

-- Posted from dick

I disobject

2010-03-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it just seem like anyone you ever knew that chose to pay for law school one way or the other is now a lawyer?

I mean, it seems like if you can afford it, you'll eventually be a lawyer.

It can't be that hard.

Really?

That is a lifetime of excitement all in one week.

Bologna and Cheese...

2010-03-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

all over your face - but seriously, are we not supposed to notice the difference between all the Rusty(s?) characters in all of the National Lampoon vacation movies?

Are we supposed to pretend that they're all the same? Like, what's going on here? Are we supposed to not notice?

The world just wouldn't be the same without dental implants

2010-03-03T06:04:00.001-08:00

Apple juice. Is that like mayonaze?

The pilsbury doughboy is a rapist?

-- Posted from on top of anus

Touchdowns in video games should be as exciting as scoring goals in hockey video games but they're just not

2010-03-02T12:04:00.001-08:00

Let me have the kerosene. You can install the window screens and then we can remove jimmy's spleen.

Hippos fart a lot I'll wager.

-- Posted with anus

Give me the firehose dammit

2010-03-02T08:10:00.001-08:00

The off light was on. How does one get the off light off I wondered to myself. It then ocurred to me that my shoelaces were untied. Going down to tie the laces is when it happened. My pants became full and there was nothing I couldve done to stop it from happening. It came unexpectedly for one thing and bending over made it nearly impossible to tighten the sphincter even if it hadn't come unexpectedly. So there I was with untied laces and pants full of accident. Well I tied the damn laces so it wasn't all for nothing.

My altimeter is sore.

-- Posted from the anus

Nick and Norah's Infinite GAYlist

2010-03-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is good if you want a tween hipster jizzing in your face

I have a rubber mallot and I'm not afraid to use it

2010-02-28T06:56:00.001-08:00

That's actually a lie. I don't have a rubber mallot but if I did I still wouldn't be afraid to fucking use it!

Crows are probably gay

-- pimple shit

Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur. Episode 3

2010-02-20T21:05:00.001-08:00

So i hear you have an apple tree.
Yep. Im actually not quite sure what makes the apples grow. I think it's the dog piss.

-- Posted from the inside of school lavatory

Fuck you car insurance commercials

2010-02-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Where are the kids that don't learn by example, but instead learn hate from repetition?

If a young, troubled teenage boy/girl started mutilating geckos based on their eyes and ears being raped every commercial break, what would your reaction be when they were interviewed as they were tried as an adult and said, "I thought it would make the commercials go away. I looked for a caveman first, but I found a gecko."

I would be first in line to offer sympathy.

As a matter of fact, I would probably train my house cat to hunt geckos and geckos only so it could survive for lengths of time as I traveled.

And the Chinese restaurants would covet my well fed cat with its diet of lean, car insurance hawking gecko meat as a plush lunch special combo number 5.

Could a caveman's brethren solve one of their kinds murder? Now how easy is it you fucks?

Chugg

2010-02-18T15:28:00.001-08:00

I think an effective weapon, either against enemies or in celebration(such as independence day or new years) would be a potato gun(or maybe a canon) packed with wood chips and monkey shit.

The wood chips would act as the weapon as it would probably shred shit up if fired at a high enough velocity. The monkey shit would be a demoralizing agent. Adding insult to injury to any person getting hit by such artillery.

As a celebratory item I think it would just be plain fun to shoot of woodchips with monkey shit.

-- Posted from the top of the highest pig nipple

That stegosaurus in the neighbors backyard can go fuck itself

2010-02-17T20:46:00.001-08:00

A whale in a gymnasium? Nope just Moe

-- Posted from

Indistributable pancake batter on my face

2010-02-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about Haley's comet a lot recently and believe it to be a hand on the clock of our galaxy's lifetime. At the time the comet is so small and diminished that is hardly visible on it's earthly orbit, it will be the tell-all of the end of the world/galaxy and probably will coincide with the sun no longer being strong enough to support life on earth.

I would like to see a new Olympic sport called "Mountaintop Asslicking."

Paperface airplane crash

2010-02-12T20:02:00.001-08:00

What if they were the four milkmen of the apocalypse instead? What then? What then???

I like milk. Especially with my honeycomb.

I'm gonna be pissed if the powers that be are wrong about horses and what not and we've been poisoning ourselves this whole time. If you think about it horses(especially these days) pose little if any threat to the global population. But fucking milk does! Fucking milk poses an enormous threat to global populations!! Everyone drinks milk!!

Got milk?? Got fucking milk?? Fuck you milkmen!! Fuck you and your damn milk! Take your glass bottles of milky white death and go back to whatever asshole of the universe you came from!

Also...when is someone going to make a movie called "The Hellhounds of Baskerville" as a horrorized remake? I'd like to see that done

Cock. Balls. Herpes.

-- Posted with a side order of ass cakes

Tractors and tractor beams. Any relation?

2010-02-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

I like Jiffy Lube but I'm glad there isn't such a thing as a Jiffy Rectal Exam. It would be a subsidiary of Jiffy lube no doubt what with the need for lube to facilitate the rubbergloved finger up a persons anus. "Rectal exams in 20 minutes or less" would likewise be their slogan. I don't want to think about Jiffy Rectal Exam getting behind and having to rush to get back on track. A rushed rectal examiner would probably not be as gentle or considerate, all things one would want while getting poked and prodded i would think. And what if the examiner is so rushed they fail to see an issue. Then there'd REALLY be issues.

Praise the pickle king for he is just and wise.

No one man is a transcontinental railroad

2010-02-09T06:37:00.001-08:00

The day is stiff and cold. Like ass.

-- Posted from Moose testicle

Gobstoppers are candy I once enjoyed but now I don't enjoy Gobstoppers which were a candy I once enjoyed but don't enjoy anymore

2010-02-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

I'm glad it is virtually impossible for humans and bees to breed offspring.

My guess is that they'd probably be the size of a leprechaun with bug eyes and stripes with a stinger in the ass area. Maybe a human mouth or maybe snappers or whatever it is that bees have.

3foot tall half man half bee would be frightening. If the damn things had wings strong enough to allow for flying everyoneelse might as well get out of bed in the morning and shit their pants first thing to just get it over with cause it's pretty much inevitable with flying halfman halfbees flying around.
The stinger would probably be deadly.

I'll bet the honey would be pretty damn tasty though!

-- Posting things makes babies

I admit it. I enjoy the colors of a seagull all red white black and broken

2010-02-07T20:31:00.001-08:00

Rain drops may splatter when they hit the ground and chocolate chips may melt in the sun. Evaporation is made possible with sponsorship from Elmo

-- Posted because I like toasted shoes

No Sunday beef roast or little baby piglet legs(or elbows) for those who are alphabetically inept

2010-02-07T15:54:00.001-08:00

I think there should be and can't understand why there isn't French fried pumpkin. I think it would be good, you know deep down in your heart of hearts that you think it would be good. So let's get this thing going!?

-- Posted from tube socks

Fig newtons for thanksgiving and words that rhyme with envelope

2010-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

Just because you break into cars doesn't mean you're hiding your insecurities well with Linus' blanket. You're telling the world to look at you indirectly through petty crime a la the theft of a strangers' mix CDs.

I think you should be raped by your mother using a strap-on of the severed penis of your father whiling listening to Escape (The Pina Colada Song) on repeat.

And then you'll be punished for breaking into other peoples' cars!

Here comes a boat load of crap on your face. Smile

2010-02-07T08:19:00.001-08:00

Brass knuckles make the sky bluer. That's what I heard from a thirdstring quarterback of a nonivy league school. He knows things. Me not so much

If I were Chef Boyardee I'd kill a bitch for fucking with my beef ravioli

-- Posted from the brainchild of a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle

Wake me from my train station

2010-02-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

It must be nice to live on a noodle farm. Having all those noodles at your disposal would be econmically beneficial. More so than a game of cribbage.

-- Posted from fart residue

Pulling asshairs with my teeth or how I learned to make naked snow angels

2010-02-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

The buxom overlord of the rotting trash pile was not able to contain her excitement for the snow, for it meant she could now eat once again. It had been raining unicorn sacs for some time now, but the precipitation subsided briefly and allowed a moment to gather some fresh unicorn nutsacs and store them in her cheeks.

Fake flowers are racist.

Do kaleidescopes make your walls bleed? Ginger bread Men

2010-02-05T22:50:00.000-08:00

Sundials are bull shit! They ain't phones so they ain't dialing shit least of all the sun. What kind of ratshit title is that for an instrument?

I hear Darth Vader in every refrigerator I see

2010-02-05T22:44:00.001-08:00

Stirfry is sneaky.

-- Posted

Paper trains would be very lightweight

2010-02-05T14:05:00.001-08:00

Slush funds and eye drops make the water wave

-- Posted from inside a bottle of Quaker state

Toy trucks make my nipples hurt

2010-02-05T14:03:00.001-08:00

Fire the Jumping Jacks. They don't jump high enough and they smell like old papersacks

-- Posted from the underside of Eskimo shit

Although you speak no words your face says murder

2010-02-05T09:32:00.001-08:00

According to my whale watch my dungarees need stone washing. The rising tide makes my sweat hurt.

-- Posted from a honey pit

i have absolutely nothing to say

2010-02-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

and I'm not going to mention the herpes

If i had Angela Lansbury's dentist I wouldn't need to mutilate reindeer

2010-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

When you put TV on mute it reminds me of the time you were locked in the closet and i could hear you but not see you. Only a TV on mute is the exact opposite. I can see things but not hear them. If I had to choose between being deaf, blind, or mute I think I would choose mute because don't they have a salve for that kinda thing? or am i getting that confused with something else?

tooth decay is avoidable in small doses

I have a handful of nuts and they ain't the edible kind

2010-02-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why there isn't a computerized laser guided rocket propelled suitcase complete with a tracking device cataloged in Skymall. You could put the coordinates of the trip you are about to take and send it there so its waiting for you when you arrive to your hotel. People better get on the ball.

I pick my nose cause I have the right to make that choice.

Why aren't there more Gypsy stenographers?

2010-02-04T04:38:00.001-08:00

They should find a way to make biscuits from a tornado. I'll bet they'll be fucking tasty. Probably cinnamonie if I had to guess. Tornados look like they're jam packed with cinnamon.

I touch myself when I think of gypsy stenographers.

-- posted while touching a pilgrim

Why can't I be you?

2010-02-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

What would be the most impressive thing to do in your sleep?

I know a lot of famous people have died by choking on vomit: Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and one of the drummers from Spinal Tap...

I would be impressed if someone sleptwalk (is that a word - all over your face it's a word. SHUT UP!), knelt down in front of the toilet and then pooped their pants.

Wouldn't crosswalks colored something other than white be more fun than having racist pavement with all the BLACKtop and the WHITE paint?

I hate you. Go to bed.

Chocolate banana monkey crunch

2010-02-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

So I went to a fortune teller the other day and said I wanted a prediction about my future. She responded with the following:

You want a prediction? I'll give you a prediction Youre an asshole.

I don't think she liked me very much.

-- Posted from

Amsterdam? More like smorgasbord. (but seriously, peace on earth)

2010-02-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know the best way to tell you when the thought pops in my head, but I'd rather talk aloud than suppress it and have it appear as some hidden rage in 2 years when I bite my lip and flip out about how awful a person Oprah Winfrey is.

If stupid, ignorant people don't make you think murder should be legal, then you're like a terrorist that was aborted after the first trimester.

The Turkish twostep taught Tommy to tumble dry

2010-02-02T09:43:00.001-08:00

Sitting here in the tundra, watching a motionless train steam out of control towards the edge of nothing it occurred to me, meatball sandwiches are faulty. There needs to be a better way. Meatballs squirting out the back of the roll when bit into just isn't cutting it. A wrap of some nature may be the order of the day but what kind? What kind indeed

Video games have been around for a long time now.

If only I had been wearing Kevlar socks

2010-02-02T06:39:00.001-08:00

Lady Gaga has a big nose. I'm pretty sure it has it's own zip code. She might actually be attractive if the nose didn't detract from the possibility of attractiveness. Her music also sucks blood soaked towels. So that doesn't help her case either.
Also...her "sense" of "fashion" makes me want to defecate on a squirrel.

Trigonometry wasn't my strongest subject. Can't you tell?

-- Posted while standing on hot coals

Jack and Jill ran up the hill with live grenades in hand

2010-02-02T06:29:00.001-08:00

Taylor swift has a voice that is on notch less annoying then nails on a chalk board. But dont get me confused. It's still annoying.

Can someone please punch her in the throat.
(Notice the period at the end of that question instead of a "?"). Intentional.

My ceiling fan is currently not spinning.

-- Posted from inside a donkeys Vagina

Did i mention i was an idiot? Thanks

2010-02-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hear me out:

Barack Obama debates Katie Couric on who has is cooler in the afterlife - Patrick Swayze or Bea Arthur - but he's naked and she has to do jumping jacks the whole time.

But neither are allowed to use the word "the" or mention rabbits.

Firecrackers in my spicy bear soup?

2010-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'd really like to make jiggly jello cake but I'm all out of beans.

so much for sculpting a pigeon out of sand. The castle is wrecked.

We have 8 waterloo canons and we're going to fire them and there's nothing you can do about it.

2010-01-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

I just cooked potatoes. They were delicious thanks for asking.

The shrapnel really made the difference.

Dandelions help me do jumpingjacks

2010-01-30T23:27:00.001-08:00

If Albuquerque, NM were a nation within a state within a nation then Aunt Betsy would not have slept allday Friday into Sunday and left the burner on high and burned the peas and carrots. I mean they were so burnt they were blue and if you think that isn't possible just take one quick look at Uncle Herb. Fuck ass is that one crispy MoFo.

I ate my supper Mama. Can I go out and shuck frogs wit Elmer now?

Tobasco is spicy

I'm not gonna lie!

2010-01-30T22:29:00.001-08:00

I'm hoping the Saints win the super bowl! Cause it's about fucking time the Saints won a super bowl!! It's been almost 50 fucking years since the Saints have been in the league and they have still never won a fucking super bowl!!

-- Posted from my iPhone

They broke my nose then told me I needed to do a back flip

2010-01-30T22:18:00.001-08:00

Who in their right mind would fuck a ghost? I mean...seriously? If you can even see it, it probably wouldn't feel very good. I can't imagine a paranormal apariton being anything but loose and warn out like a veteran prostitute and/or porn star.

If I find a fish I'm keeping it and eating it!!!!

-- Posted from my iPhone

You want me to put my socks on? More like beef jerky!!!

2010-01-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

I would hate to live at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm allergic to shrimp.

The universe ends at midnight

2010-01-28T17:20:00.000-08:00

When I think of skunks, I think of people.

When I think of people thinking of skunks, I think of deodorant.

When I think of deodorant, I think of little tiny plastic men.

When I think of little tiny plastic men in deodorant, I wish I was never born.

Let's set fire to tarantulas and call it a day

2010-01-28T12:41:00.001-08:00

The thermostat is broken. It says 30 but it feels more like 29

-- Posted from my iPhone

This cuckoo clock shimmies to the beat of a thousand souls

2010-01-28T12:37:00.001-08:00

We are nearing the edge of a thousand foot drop and here I am without my #2 pencils.

Something probably never been said

2010-01-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

"and that was the first and last time I ever made eye contact with a swarm of bees."

-- Posted from my iPhone

Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur: episode 2

2010-01-27T15:01:00.001-08:00

What did you do on your vacay?

Oh you know...humped whales and such

-- Posted from my iPhone

Phrases that make little sense

2010-01-27T12:21:00.001-08:00

"your goose is cooked" if I'm not incorrect it means you've been had or you've been beaten
As in: Farves goose was cooked after that interception.

"my goose is cooked?" mmm...sounds good. When do we eat?

I think a better phrase would be
"your tongue is cooked"

Not only would that be extremely painful but most if not all of the known taste buds are on the tongue. This would make eating incredibly cumbersome if not impossible and food tasteless.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur: episode 1

2010-01-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

Who you getting to do your taxes?

Well...I'll tell you who I am not getting to do my taxes...Bugs Bunny

Fancy schmancy cupcakes with eyes and no eyelids

2010-01-26T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sebastian the Bastard goes to the mall on Saturdays but not without his hammock.

He uses his hammock for nothing but the obvious.

And by obvious I mean his tax write off.

And by tax write off I mean his volunteer hours.

And by volunteer hours I mean his wages earned.

And by wages earned I mean he puts infant snakes in the liner of fur coats.

We have your peaches and cream. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN youll come alone to the corner of 8th and 8th

2010-01-26T14:16:00.001-08:00

UNO is an excellent game and quite fun.

-- Posted from my iPhone

lonely cars in lonely streets filled with lonely bars

2010-01-26T12:45:00.000-08:00

give me all your hand me down sweaters and all your hand me down pantolones.
when the lights go out and all is covered in darkness we can have fun torching them with flaming kerosene...and grandpa.

see the shape we're in we're in cause of our leaky windows and ceilings. when you find your hands against the wall and against it all slap a curly haired frog and present gifts of its limbs to the deputy mayor and hope his war dress smells nice like peppermint...and grandpa

Sunshine cracker company llc

2010-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

I wonder why no one has figured out a way to turn sunshine into a cracker. Seems like it would taste good. It would also probably come in handy on a cloudy day or a cold dark night. Hell, probably any night. You could just set it on the ground or a table and smash it with something to let the light out. Keebler better get their fucking elves on that or I'll "E.L. Fudge" all over them.

Thanks for the galoshes paps! A lot of fuckikg good their gonna do me in this dry climate!! Way to give a thoughtless gift!!! Dick.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Here...Hold my cocoa I'm gonna punch you in the shin

2010-01-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

Anchovies are good in small doses. By small doses I mean never eating any.

Sweet potato jubilee a la mode

2010-01-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

I'm glad there isn't a pee soaked diaper flavor of ice cream for 2 reasons:

1) it most likely wouldn't taste very good

2) it most likely wouldn't smell very good

3) it would probably be clumpy

-- Posted from my iPhone

Sam I am should learn how to fucking talk

2010-01-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

if my face was your face I'd be an Easter egg hunting collaborator of French New wave literature

the plot thickens...all over your face

2010-01-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

Unlike reality show producers, I poop in the toilet.

Go lick a scrotum-less testicle.

Glad I don't have fungus on my genitalia

2010-01-24T10:16:00.001-08:00

Call me crazy but I think I have a sore ankle from literally kicking your ass just now.

Want a gumball?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Can't talk now.

2010-01-24T10:05:00.001-08:00

I'm taking a shit and I need all my attention to do so

-- Posted from my iPhone

Sure, I'll have some pancakes...wait

2010-01-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

Phils Simms is one of the worst announcers ever. He has no continuity to what he says and he sounds like a crack head just shouting out nonsense. He actually said this in his color commentary:

"Dominique Foxworth made a great tackle. Frank Walker."

If you want to analyze this, Foxworth is a DB on the same team as Walker - they both play defense and were on the field at the same time. So Foxworth made a good tackle, but what does Frank Walker have to do with anything? Did Walker also make the tackle? Did Simms name the tackle Frank Walker? What happened?

I think he got confused and just started saying what players he saw on the field at random...other Phil Simms quotes:

“I haven't thought about it. I'm not capable of deep thinking.”

"Of course it looks bad when you're not executing. When things go bad, it's not going to look good."

So sorry for the delay. I was smacking frogs on the ass.

2010-01-24T09:42:00.001-08:00

No signal on the first 12 channels. How else can one watch all the cockfighting and buttfucking!?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Does deodorant ever expire

2010-01-23T08:05:00.001-08:00

It's 4am on Tuesday and all I have to show for it is itchy anus

-- Posted from my iPhone

Dick shoes

2010-01-19T17:34:00.001-08:00

What color are your dick shoes?

Hemoglobin

-- Posted from my iPhone

Red fingers and green thumbs

2010-01-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

I wish I could poop out of the front of my toes instead of in the toilet.

Shoe paper.

Balancing checkbooks

2010-01-07T07:34:00.001-08:00

I need to poop

-- Posted from my iPhone

Gallbladders in my Christmas stocking

2010-01-05T17:19:00.001-08:00

I think the most intense reality contest you could ever have would be "The Biggest Loser" with anorexic patients.

Talk about competition...