I have a rubber mallot and I'm not afraid to use it

That's actually a lie. I don't have a rubber mallot but if I did I still wouldn't be afraid to fucking use it!

Crows are probably gay


-- pimple shit

Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur. Episode 3

So i hear you have an apple tree.
Yep. Im actually not quite sure what makes the apples grow. I think it's the dog piss.


-- Posted from the inside of school lavatory

Fuck you car insurance commercials

Where are the kids that don't learn by example, but instead learn hate from repetition?

If a young, troubled teenage boy/girl started mutilating geckos based on their eyes and ears being raped every commercial break, what would your reaction be when they were interviewed as they were tried as an adult and said, "I thought it would make the commercials go away. I looked for a caveman first, but I found a gecko."

I would be first in line to offer sympathy.

As a matter of fact, I would probably train my house cat to hunt geckos and geckos only so it could survive for lengths of time as I traveled.

And the Chinese restaurants would covet my well fed cat with its diet of lean, car insurance hawking gecko meat as a plush lunch special combo number 5.

Could a caveman's brethren solve one of their kinds murder? Now how easy is it you fucks?

Chugg

I think an effective weapon, either against enemies or in celebration(such as independence day or new years) would be a potato gun(or maybe a canon) packed with wood chips and monkey shit.

The wood chips would act as the weapon as it would probably shred shit up if fired at a high enough velocity. The monkey shit would be a demoralizing agent. Adding insult to injury to any person getting hit by such artillery.

As a celebratory item I think it would just be plain fun to shoot of woodchips with monkey shit.




-- Posted from the top of the highest pig nipple

That stegosaurus in the neighbors backyard can go fuck itself

A whale in a gymnasium? Nope just Moe


-- Posted from

Indistributable pancake batter on my face

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Paperface airplane crash

What if they were the four milkmen of the apocalypse instead? What then? What then???

I like milk. Especially with my honeycomb.

I'm gonna be pissed if the powers that be are wrong about horses and what not and we've been poisoning ourselves this whole time. If you think about it horses(especially these days) pose little if any threat to the global population. But fucking milk does! Fucking milk poses an enormous threat to global populations!! Everyone drinks milk!!

Got milk?? Got fucking milk?? Fuck you milkmen!! Fuck you and your damn milk! Take your glass bottles of milky white death and go back to whatever asshole of the universe you came from!

Also...when is someone going to make a movie called "The Hellhounds of Baskerville" as a horrorized remake? I'd like to see that done

Cock. Balls. Herpes.


-- Posted with a side order of ass cakes

Tractors and tractor beams. Any relation?

I like Jiffy Lube but I'm glad there isn't such a thing as a Jiffy Rectal Exam. It would be a subsidiary of Jiffy lube no doubt what with the need for lube to facilitate the rubbergloved finger up a persons anus. "Rectal exams in 20 minutes or less" would likewise be their slogan. I don't want to think about Jiffy Rectal Exam getting behind and having to rush to get back on track. A rushed rectal examiner would probably not be as gentle or considerate, all things one would want while getting poked and prodded i would think. And what if the examiner is so rushed they fail to see an issue. Then there'd REALLY be issues.

Praise the pickle king for he is just and wise.

No one man is a transcontinental railroad

The day is stiff and cold. Like ass.


-- Posted from Moose testicle

Gobstoppers are candy I once enjoyed but now I don't enjoy Gobstoppers which were a candy I once enjoyed but don't enjoy anymore

I'm glad it is virtually impossible for humans and bees to breed offspring.

My guess is that they'd probably be the size of a leprechaun with bug eyes and stripes with a stinger in the ass area. Maybe a human mouth or maybe snappers or whatever it is that bees have.

3foot tall half man half bee would be frightening. If the damn things had wings strong enough to allow for flying everyoneelse might as well get out of bed in the morning and shit their pants first thing to just get it over with cause it's pretty much inevitable with flying halfman halfbees flying around.
The stinger would probably be deadly.

I'll bet the honey would be pretty damn tasty though!



-- Posting things makes babies

I admit it. I enjoy the colors of a seagull all red white black and broken

Rain drops may splatter when they hit the ground and chocolate chips may melt in the sun. Evaporation is made possible with sponsorship from Elmo


-- Posted because I like toasted shoes

No Sunday beef roast or little baby piglet legs(or elbows) for those who are alphabetically inept

I think there should be and can't understand why there isn't French fried pumpkin. I think it would be good, you know deep down in your heart of hearts that you think it would be good. So let's get this thing going!?


-- Posted from tube socks

Fig newtons for thanksgiving and words that rhyme with envelope

Just because you break into cars doesn't mean you're hiding your insecurities well with Linus' blanket. You're telling the world to look at you indirectly through petty crime a la the theft of a strangers' mix CDs.

I think you should be raped by your mother using a strap-on of the severed penis of your father whiling listening to Escape (The Pina Colada Song) on repeat.

And then you'll be punished for breaking into other peoples' cars!

Here comes a boat load of crap on your face. Smile

Brass knuckles make the sky bluer. That's what I heard from a thirdstring quarterback of a nonivy league school. He knows things. Me not so much

If I were Chef Boyardee I'd kill a bitch for fucking with my beef ravioli


-- Posted from the brainchild of a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle

Wake me from my train station

It must be nice to live on a noodle farm. Having all those noodles at your disposal would be econmically beneficial. More so than a game of cribbage.


-- Posted from fart residue

Pulling asshairs with my teeth or how I learned to make naked snow angels

The buxom overlord of the rotting trash pile was not able to contain her excitement for the snow, for it meant she could now eat once again. It had been raining unicorn sacs for some time now, but the precipitation subsided briefly and allowed a moment to gather some fresh unicorn nutsacs and store them in her cheeks.

Fake flowers are racist.

Do kaleidescopes make your walls bleed? Ginger bread Men

Sundials are bull shit! They ain't phones so they ain't dialing shit least of all the sun. What kind of ratshit title is that for an instrument?

I hear Darth Vader in every refrigerator I see

Stirfry is sneaky.


-- Posted

Paper trains would be very lightweight

Slush funds and eye drops make the water wave


-- Posted from inside a bottle of Quaker state

Toy trucks make my nipples hurt

Fire the Jumping Jacks. They don't jump high enough and they smell like old papersacks


-- Posted from the underside of Eskimo shit

Although you speak no words your face says murder

According to my whale watch my dungarees need stone washing. The rising tide makes my sweat hurt.




-- Posted from a honey pit

i have absolutely nothing to say

and I'm not going to mention the herpes

If i had Angela Lansbury's dentist I wouldn't need to mutilate reindeer

When you put TV on mute it reminds me of the time you were locked in the closet and i could hear you but not see you. Only a TV on mute is the exact opposite. I can see things but not hear them. If I had to choose between being deaf, blind, or mute I think I would choose mute because don't they have a salve for that kinda thing? or am i getting that confused with something else?

tooth decay is avoidable in small doses

I have a handful of nuts and they ain't the edible kind

I don't understand why there isn't a computerized laser guided rocket propelled suitcase complete with a tracking device cataloged in Skymall. You could put the coordinates of the trip you are about to take and send it there so its waiting for you when you arrive to your hotel. People better get on the ball.

I pick my nose cause I have the right to make that choice.

Why aren't there more Gypsy stenographers?

They should find a way to make biscuits from a tornado. I'll bet they'll be fucking tasty. Probably cinnamonie if I had to guess. Tornados look like they're jam packed with cinnamon.

I touch myself when I think of gypsy stenographers.

-- posted while touching a pilgrim

Why can't I be you?

What would be the most impressive thing to do in your sleep?

I know a lot of famous people have died by choking on vomit: Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and one of the drummers from Spinal Tap...

I would be impressed if someone sleptwalk (is that a word - all over your face it's a word. SHUT UP!), knelt down in front of the toilet and then pooped their pants.

Wouldn't crosswalks colored something other than white be more fun than having racist pavement with all the BLACKtop and the WHITE paint?

I hate you. Go to bed.

Chocolate banana monkey crunch

So I went to a fortune teller the other day and said I wanted a prediction about my future. She responded with the following:

You want a prediction? I'll give you a prediction Youre an asshole.

I don't think she liked me very much.


-- Posted from

Amsterdam? More like smorgasbord. (but seriously, peace on earth)

I don't know the best way to tell you when the thought pops in my head, but I'd rather talk aloud than suppress it and have it appear as some hidden rage in 2 years when I bite my lip and flip out about how awful a person Oprah Winfrey is.

If stupid, ignorant people don't make you think murder should be legal, then you're like a terrorist that was aborted after the first trimester.

The Turkish twostep taught Tommy to tumble dry

Sitting here in the tundra, watching a motionless train steam out of control towards the edge of nothing it occurred to me, meatball sandwiches are faulty. There needs to be a better way. Meatballs squirting out the back of the roll when bit into just isn't cutting it. A wrap of some nature may be the order of the day but what kind? What kind indeed


Video games have been around for a long time now.

If only I had been wearing Kevlar socks

Lady Gaga has a big nose. I'm pretty sure it has it's own zip code. She might actually be attractive if the nose didn't detract from the possibility of attractiveness. Her music also sucks blood soaked towels. So that doesn't help her case either.
Also...her "sense" of "fashion" makes me want to defecate on a squirrel.

Trigonometry wasn't my strongest subject. Can't you tell?


-- Posted while standing on hot coals

Jack and Jill ran up the hill with live grenades in hand

Taylor swift has a voice that is on notch less annoying then nails on a chalk board. But dont get me confused. It's still annoying.

Can someone please punch her in the throat.
(Notice the period at the end of that question instead of a "?"). Intentional.

My ceiling fan is currently not spinning.



-- Posted from inside a donkeys Vagina

Did i mention i was an idiot? Thanks

Hear me out:

Barack Obama debates Katie Couric on who has is cooler in the afterlife - Patrick Swayze or Bea Arthur - but he's naked and she has to do jumping jacks the whole time.

But neither are allowed to use the word "the" or mention rabbits.