Firecrackers in my spicy bear soup?

I'd really like to make jiggly jello cake but I'm all out of beans.

so much for sculpting a pigeon out of sand. The castle is wrecked.

We have 8 waterloo canons and we're going to fire them and there's nothing you can do about it.

I just cooked potatoes. They were delicious thanks for asking.

The shrapnel really made the difference.

Dandelions help me do jumpingjacks

If Albuquerque, NM were a nation within a state within a nation then Aunt Betsy would not have slept allday Friday into Sunday and left the burner on high and burned the peas and carrots. I mean they were so burnt they were blue and if you think that isn't possible just take one quick look at Uncle Herb. Fuck ass is that one crispy MoFo.

I ate my supper Mama. Can I go out and shuck frogs wit Elmer now?

Tobasco is spicy

I'm not gonna lie!

I'm hoping the Saints win the super bowl! Cause it's about fucking time the Saints won a super bowl!! It's been almost 50 fucking years since the Saints have been in the league and they have still never won a fucking super bowl!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

They broke my nose then told me I needed to do a back flip

Who in their right mind would fuck a ghost? I mean...seriously? If you can even see it, it probably wouldn't feel very good. I can't imagine a paranormal apariton being anything but loose and warn out like a veteran prostitute and/or porn star.

If I find a fish I'm keeping it and eating it!!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

You want me to put my socks on? More like beef jerky!!!

I would hate to live at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm allergic to shrimp.

The universe ends at midnight

When I think of skunks, I think of people.

When I think of people thinking of skunks, I think of deodorant.

When I think of deodorant, I think of little tiny plastic men.

When I think of little tiny plastic men in deodorant, I wish I was never born.

Let's set fire to tarantulas and call it a day

The thermostat is broken. It says 30 but it feels more like 29


-- Posted from my iPhone

This cuckoo clock shimmies to the beat of a thousand souls

We are nearing the edge of a thousand foot drop and here I am without my #2 pencils.

Something probably never been said

"and that was the first and last time I ever made eye contact with a swarm of bees."


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Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur: episode 2

What did you do on your vacay?

Oh you know...humped whales and such


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Phrases that make little sense

"your goose is cooked" if I'm not incorrect it means you've been had or you've been beaten
As in: Farves goose was cooked after that interception.

"my goose is cooked?" mmm...sounds good. When do we eat?

I think a better phrase would be
"your tongue is cooked"

Not only would that be extremely painful but most if not all of the known taste buds are on the tongue. This would make eating incredibly cumbersome if not impossible and food tasteless.




-- Posted from my iPhone

Water cooler discussions that probably do not occur: episode 1

Who you getting to do your taxes?

Well...I'll tell you who I am not getting to do my taxes...Bugs Bunny

Fancy schmancy cupcakes with eyes and no eyelids

Sebastian the Bastard goes to the mall on Saturdays but not without his hammock.

He uses his hammock for nothing but the obvious.

And by obvious I mean his tax write off.

And by tax write off I mean his volunteer hours.

And by volunteer hours I mean his wages earned.

And by wages earned I mean he puts infant snakes in the liner of fur coats.

We have your peaches and cream. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN youll come alone to the corner of 8th and 8th

UNO is an excellent game and quite fun.


-- Posted from my iPhone

lonely cars in lonely streets filled with lonely bars

give me all your hand me down sweaters and all your hand me down pantolones.
when the lights go out and all is covered in darkness we can have fun torching them with flaming kerosene...and grandpa.

see the shape we're in we're in cause of our leaky windows and ceilings. when you find your hands against the wall and against it all slap a curly haired frog and present gifts of its limbs to the deputy mayor and hope his war dress smells nice like peppermint...and grandpa

Sunshine cracker company llc

I wonder why no one has figured out a way to turn sunshine into a cracker. Seems like it would taste good. It would also probably come in handy on a cloudy day or a cold dark night. Hell, probably any night. You could just set it on the ground or a table and smash it with something to let the light out. Keebler better get their fucking elves on that or I'll "E.L. Fudge" all over them.

Thanks for the galoshes paps! A lot of fuckikg good their gonna do me in this dry climate!! Way to give a thoughtless gift!!! Dick.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Here...Hold my cocoa I'm gonna punch you in the shin

Anchovies are good in small doses. By small doses I mean never eating any.

Sweet potato jubilee a la mode

I'm glad there isn't a pee soaked diaper flavor of ice cream for 2 reasons:

1) it most likely wouldn't taste very good

2) it most likely wouldn't smell very good

3) it would probably be clumpy




-- Posted from my iPhone

Sam I am should learn how to fucking talk

if my face was your face I'd be an Easter egg hunting collaborator of French New wave literature

the plot thickens...all over your face

Unlike reality show producers, I poop in the toilet.

Go lick a scrotum-less testicle.

Glad I don't have fungus on my genitalia

Call me crazy but I think I have a sore ankle from literally kicking your ass just now.

Want a gumball?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Can't talk now.

I'm taking a shit and I need all my attention to do so


-- Posted from my iPhone

Sure, I'll have some pancakes...wait

Phils Simms is one of the worst announcers ever. He has no continuity to what he says and he sounds like a crack head just shouting out nonsense. He actually said this in his color commentary:

"Dominique Foxworth made a great tackle. Frank Walker."

If you want to analyze this, Foxworth is a DB on the same team as Walker - they both play defense and were on the field at the same time. So Foxworth made a good tackle, but what does Frank Walker have to do with anything? Did Walker also make the tackle? Did Simms name the tackle Frank Walker? What happened?

I think he got confused and just started saying what players he saw on the field at random...other Phil Simms quotes:

“I haven't thought about it. I'm not capable of deep thinking.”

"Of course it looks bad when you're not executing. When things go bad, it's not going to look good."

So sorry for the delay. I was smacking frogs on the ass.

No signal on the first 12 channels. How else can one watch all the cockfighting and buttfucking!?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Does deodorant ever expire

It's 4am on Tuesday and all I have to show for it is itchy anus


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Dick shoes

What color are your dick shoes?


Hemoglobin


-- Posted from my iPhone

Red fingers and green thumbs

I wish I could poop out of the front of my toes instead of in the toilet.

Shoe paper.

Balancing checkbooks

I need to poop


-- Posted from my iPhone

Gallbladders in my Christmas stocking

I think the most intense reality contest you could ever have would be "The Biggest Loser" with anorexic patients.

Talk about competition...

Bucket of fuck

I would not like a bucket of fuck. Not even with chocolate in the bucket of fuck. Or cherrys or cheese or anything. Take your bucket of fuck and go fuck yourself


-- Posted from my iPhone

Pork chop

Why can't they make thunder into a breakfast cereal. I bet if they did people would fucking eat it.


-- Posted from my iPhone