Slamming a tree down the anus

Bubblegum.


-- Posted from my iPhone

chalices, chalices, chalices...

I think the word "bathroom" has grown tired and stale. In the same vein which saw society move away from water closet and choose the aforementioned word, the time has come to begin retiring bath and room.

"The peepooroom."

That or vaganus and phallanus.

Trigonometry suitcase

Food intake is complete. Pooping the food out to commence soon


-- Posted from my iPhone

Wasabi mustache propaganda

Hot molasses burns. Boiling hot molasses burns more.

Chicken shit is grotesque. Especially on a ceasar salad.

In this tipsy topsy turvy world how does one know where to grab the sunshine muffins. Nowhere.

Colonics!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Bang boobies beelzebub

Umm excuse me sir but you have stale Biscuits and gravy in your deaf pumpkin patch. Please remove them or we'll be forced to baptize your children in piss


-- Posted from my iPhone

i must have punched you in the face a million times

"Kick me in the shins!" I told her.

But she didn't listen.

So I had to show her the punishment for not kicking me in the shins.

And I ate her mother's face while she watched.

And then I punished her.

Grandma and grandpa gave all the children booze and told em to shut the hell up

White toilet paper doused in kerosene isn't so good for much except to set fire to things.

I enjoy asking people how there food is just after they've put some in their mouth. Makes them look and probably feel awkward and makes me laugh


-- Posted from my iPhone

Do politicians have vaginas?

It was hot and sunny. Translation: my ass is moist!


-- Posted from my iPhone

God Damn turd burglars

What ever happened to predicability?

The milkman?

The paperboy?

Evening TV?

Oh, I think predictability jumped the shark when I fucked a green sea turtle in the face.

mamby pamby

when you go to the bathroom what happens?

Do kittens fly out of your anus? (yes? Tape it and make money)

Do you recall the time you first found level 8 in Zelda on NES?

I think about how I would stalk and kill a leprechaun if I ever saw one.

But wait, is there such a thing as a female leprechaun?

If there is such a thing and the leprechaun I hunted and killed was female, I'd make her cook me dinner before I killed her.

And it would have to be something I liked and was cooked properly or else she'd really fucking get it!

Is that your Belgium waffle?

The pilsbury doughboy can go fuck himself


-- Posted from my iPhone

Licking live firecrackers in the damp basement of a vampires house on a chilly Tuesday before memorial day weekend

Someone said the food had porn oil in it. So then I asked "what kind of porn oil?" So they replied "soft core." I asked "where does porn oil come from?" the chef rather matterofactly responded "Yams."

Belch up that mother fucker!

-- Posted from my iPhone

tickled in your inner child's lung

Sometimes when I think of who I want to punch in the face more than anyone, I think I sell myself short.

I wouldn't just punch Oprah. I would punch her when she was in her twenties and then frame her for felony crack possession.

Like the world wouldn't be a better place without her.

FUCK MY COCK!

So much shit coming out of the butt right now

Fire Breathing Thunder Cunt is a fun thing to call just about anyone.

500 days of summer would have been a better title if it was 2 1/2 days of summer

East bumblefuck? Where is east bumblefuck? What is a bumblefuck? What is a bumble?do people fuck bumblebees in bumblefuck?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Porcupine man face

Christmas trees make me laugh cause what if something different was the symbol of Christmas. Can you imagine the world if elephant statues were the symbol of christmas?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Pig cock and ape tits

I'm not sure what I would do if someone shit themselves on a train with such force that all passengers in the car heard their bowels emptying.

My biggest concern would be if the bowel emptying became contagious.

Could you imagine if the train was crowded?

You've just been touched in places you wouldve prefered not to be touched

Would you like chocolate chip or pistachio cookies?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Slipped on a puddle of shit and vomit today

I just saw a woman wearing an orange and red skirt with an orange and red shirt. What the fuck is her problem!


-- Posted from my iPhone

The toxic avenger ate my five year old muffin

Whichever way you came from you better go back that way cause this is poop that I hold in my hand and I will throw it at you with such velocity that it'll make you wonder if you were ever tall enough to ride roller coasters!!

Ducktales was a decent cartoon. Only made me want to fart on a duck once or twice.


-- Posted from my iPhone

My dead uncle was a paramecieum brain

I don't know how loose your stool was but mine was quite loose

Every time you touch yourself my eyes bleed pickle juice

how come every time you poop you pee, but when you pee you don't always poop?

I don't know what to be more upset about.

***NEWS FLASH: Your cousin is Japanese and dead***

I'm pretty sure the funniest combination of a thing to say followed by an action would be:

"don't look now but i'm gonna slap your stupid face with this dead rotting trout fish." immediately followed up by the mentioned action. the trout fish would really need to be dead and really need to be rotting for it to have maximum impact and affect though.

One day I want to say and do this to someone. My life(or anyone's life) I feel would be complete right then and there.

if atlantis ever existed I'm glad it doesn't now.

its a wednesday in january and still no sign of the apocalypse.

i think the gayest modern song a man could sing a long too is the "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song. I'm sorry but...GAY!

Firecrackers set my T-Rex aflame

Cold weather and warm weather are weathers equivalent to day and night. Swarms of bees are natures equivalent to a "fuck you" and so is a rabid bobcat for that matter.

I don't like the way hot wax sounds in a dark room during the afternoon of a cold day with rabid bobcats roaming bee infested streets


-- Posted from my iPhone

everywhere I go I see fashionless gypsies that make my penis cry

I would love to be friends with someone that had a disorder that forced them to end everyone of their sentences with "and I have to skip everywhere I go."

I would exploit the shit out of that.

Chartreuse time bombs

Fans of Yankees have no balls. Being fans of a team that win the world series every other year since the beginning of baseball is like betting on a seemingly sure thing. Not to mention it's the obvious path. Grow a set of balls and take a path less traveled and cheer for a team that isn't a sure thing.

My anus doesn't bleed anymore

titties and balls. now go shuck me some oysters

What do the Yankees say every time the call goes against them?

They always speak under their breath with a look of disbelief...

"Man, that's not a strike. How can you call that a strike? I'm on the Yankees man. I'm on the Yankees."

"Man, that guy was out man - that guy was out. How can you call that guy safe? I'm on the Yankees man...I'm on the Yankees."

"That was fair man, that was fair. How can you guys think that? It was obviously inside the line. How can you guys say that? I'm on the Yankees man. I'm on the Yankees."

"Of course we won. We're the Yankees man...we're the Yankees."

"Of course I've seen A-Rod naked. I'm on the Yankees man, I'm on the Yankees."