Crocodiles are for raping. Alligators are for puncturing with broken woodwinds

Windows are seethru yes, but can they split tectonic plates!? I think not you shitfucker!

applesauce cake is for queers

If I could be a monster in real life, I would still eat human food and just scare the shit out of people to sustain a living as a night thief.

I would not eat humans or pets other than standard Chinese food.

Popeye is a real motherfucker

Aunt Jemima is a bitch of a dirty whore too


-- Posted from my iPhone

Soup and salad make my trousers hurt

I hate for that matter the way mayonaise is spelled. It's too much and a little excessive. It could be spelled mayonase or mayonaze but no. The "I" really serves no purpose when you stop and think about it even for a half a second.

I would never fuck a kangaroo. Ever.

Men with mayonaise mustaches

People with dirty feet wearing sandles(and/or other dirty visible body parts) don't belong on public buses. They belong in front of a firing squad. No excuse for having dirt encrusted on ones own human flesh for any length of time. I can see just after gardening or something but wash up afterwards. Fucking shit!


-- Posted from my iPhone

I hate you mayonnaise

I’d like to see a wikipedia entry for “things in the bishop’s face”.

I haven’t decided whether I should create a product, write a book or make news by doing something fantastic and then saying, “I did it because of the things in the bishop’s face.”

Or the bishop’s fucking face.

Whatever, it not like the Smurfs were cool. They were all fucking shit faced little turds.

Thanks for the glockenspeil. Now go fuck yourself

I think the person who sings the "I wanna know what love is I want you to show me" song should have razor blades shoved down their throat and up their anus.


-- Posted from my iPhone

shit's for real now, like I don't know

I think it would be fitting if someone had a really cool idea or invention/gadget and they were going to call it the fannypack and it was going to be life changing for society.

Then they saw what we now refer to as a "fannypack" on someone's persons and they didn't know what it was. The inventor went up and asked them what it was they were wearing and they said it was a "waist-belt-pack", but a latino stranger overheard them and said, "That's a fucking fannypack."

Then, both the inventor and the fannypack wearer had their respective moments of realization of what this meant...they were both crushed.

The inventor never got over it. He let the fact that what a fannypacks was referred to before his invention hit ruin what was to be a life changing revolution for us, his fannypack.

I would never feel bad for this person and hope they cut off their toes one by one in an annual event that they looked forward to. But the fannypack inventor lived in their parents' basement and knew they had to come up with excuses why they were losing toes, so they moved out and became a toeless bum.

Pine trees are a smug bunch of bitches

Hybrid electric buses think they're so special with their hybridness and their electricness. You're a bus. If you were powered by nuclearness you'd still be a bus. There is nothing special about that. What a waste of cool technology....airplanes wouldn't be so arrogant about having that ability if they had it. Yet they would still probably kick ass.

The mozzarella is moldy. Shit on that

Gooey gusts of Graham cracker crusts

Christmas Henry would be a dumb name for a person. It would be a dumb name for anything really. We should find the one Christmas henry in the world as I'm sure if there is one there is only one and kill the fucker. Just put them out of their misery. It would probably be considered a favor.

I don't like people that swim in the Hudson river. Who do they fucking think they are


-- Posted from my iPhone

Snickers slogans are getting dumb

The ultimate insult I feel would be taking a dump while looking straight at someone. By someone I mean your worst enemy or a person you don't get along with. Spitting while looking at someone was once considered an insult and probably still is. But shitting while you stare at the person suggests that "this brown stuff coming out of my butt right now is what I think of you" how would the person not know this is what you are suggesting. Unless they are obtuse as a fuck. If that's the case then they really are shit.

Red lobsters shrimp deal? Is it me or should red lobster be called red shrimp! Seriously...what the fuck!




-- Posted from my iPhone

I just took a shit

It was good


-- Posted from my iPhone

asking price

I wish I could function at a level that produced clowns springing chickens eternal while relishing in the thought of making cheese fly.

Fuck your mother.

Limestone paperweights made to look like Bo Jackson

I'm glad blades of grass are blades of grass and not sharpened pencils instead.

At the same time stationary would be a lot less expensive if the blades of grass were pencils. But do they have to be sharpened? It would be mildly more comfortable if they were unsharpened.

Either way it'll be difficult to mow lawns. Tractors and lawnmowers would need to be rethought and redone.

Conclusion:
not trying to grow pencils instead of grass will benefit all parties involved in ways unimaginable at present.

The black eyed peas song "I got a feeling" gives me the feeling that that song sucks dirty rat cock


-- Posted from my iPhone

What if Santa was just another bysexual sailor.

Fuck Kidney beans. Fuck lima beans too. They both suck. Fuck them.

I'm glad I don't have Lou Ferigno super glued to my arm or other apendage

Cry babies make me want to stab someone in the heart with a crow bar. Preferably the cry baby. They wine about this and they moan about that. if i had a pine cone for every time I heard a cry baby gripe about something i'd stick the said pine cone up the said cry babies ass and then twist it so their anus bleeds. then they'll really have something to cry about.

Radishes are not my favorite vegetable.

trebek, canada

If there was a multiverse where humans are instead giant assholes, what would a vagina feel like?

your 3rd cousin twice removed is a dirty meatball flavored gumball

I don't like all the fuss about horror movies. I find most horror movies are about as scary as a sack of potatoes. Just a plain ole ordinary sack of potatoes. I only hope that the people making these are not aiming for a movie as scary as a sack of potatoes. Cause that isn't very scary. They should really strive for a sack of moldy potatoes. Cause that is fucking scary. Usually wet. Usually slimy. Usually found with things growing out of them. Horror movies are usually the most frustrating genre of movie as well. Turn on a fucking lite when you go in a house!! Ya Fucks!!

Chocolate Milk

I don't understand what is so scary about Greek gods and their lightning bolts.

Unless the lightning bolt was full of AIDS - then we're talking.

Sack of stinky sudds

It's refreshing to know shit smells. Cause if it didn't smell something would be wrong.

Think about it. Eat a bunch of different things all day long. If all those things combined to smell like roses it would be like driving really fast into a tree and your car not crushing on impact and instead it inflates like a balloon.

Shit stinks cause it shouldn't be any other way.


-- Posted from my iPhone

sasquatch sally

last night I dreamed I was hanging on the sidewalk with friends. We were all around these two tables lined up next to each other so they took up most of the width the sidewalk had to other and stretched about 10 feet down. they were long.

As most dreams go, I was aware something was happening but not much else - no discerning conversations or crazy gesticulations, until something happened.

I became violently ill and let myself down easy on to the ground...then I leaned over the curb and began vomiting a dying cat. I vomited a dying cat.

It was a big feline, one that made you say, "Damn, you got a big cat," if you ever saw it when visiting someone.

I must have stood up at some point, because the cat dropped from a few feet off the ground - by the time it splattered onto the sidewalk, it was dead and drenched in bile. It was disgusting and I had myself thinking that my life was ending in a horrible way.

The I threw up a snake and realized it was a dream.

Nazi Conformist Cheerleaders

I would pay to see someone that was allergic to the song "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

Every time they heard the song, they violently threw up.

if heaven farted

what has worried me and still crosses my mind from time to time involves the 3 most unpopular animals on the planet: pigeons, seagulls and Canadian Geese.

The concern is a scenario that plays out where these three fowl foul band together in a bid to take over the earth. with birds closely linked to dinosaurs, the outcome of this happening only means doom of apocalyptic proportions.

I don't like the idea of the three of them together. If the geese take the leader role, the population of all three will skyrocket exponentially and simply overpower us in numbers.

if the pigeons take over, they will be mutinizied by the geese and the first scenario will play out. the twist will be that in the short time the pigeons ruled, their horrible hygiene will have infiltrated the group and all the birds will have AIDS.

If the seagulls take the lead role, we will all die from sleep deprivation.

I wish we could eat Canadian Geese just so there wasn't so many of them around. That way, if we have to deal with the pigeons and seagulls banding together, there won't be so many of them...plus they're pushovers.

Benchpress this motherfucker!

An elephants weight in gold is an obnoxious amount of gold. An amount of gold any man would gladly accept after a spitting contest, watermelon hurling contest, vomitting contest, aerobics contest, suumersaut contest, boogie board eating contest, nerf turbo football throwing contest, lemon sucking contest or any other contest. The man that wouldn't accept that gold is an alien or subcreature and deserves an elephants weight in elephant afterbirths and still born elephants. Tootsie rolls are pretty tasty.

-- Posted from my iPhone

That's what you think

if a skunk and a platypus ever mated, I'd be pretty pissed.

1. definitely because no one told me about it and there's no way I would be the first one to know.

2. because it would take a long time to find out about it

3. when the offspring of this stinky, flippy breeding session was discovered, ecologists would give it a shitty name like Sprangpuss when the name of Plattunkapotamusstinkface would have much higher marketing potential.

Grappling hooks in my alphalpha sprouts

Wrigleys makes chewing gum out of what no one knows, not even wriggleys. Assorted flavors, assorted ways to make ones mouth bleed. Can one really chew gum so long the mouth will bleed? Never heard of it before but I suppose. Wonder if there is a certain assorted flavor that pedophiles like most. If so wrigleys should stop production of it. I'll bet it's juicyfruit. As much as I like this flavor I would be alright with it no longer being made if it meant pedophiles had one less thing to enjoy. Time to make boom boom in the toilet.