Porcupines

Two reasons why I'm glad meatballs are not used for shoes.

1. More meatballs for eating
2. They probably would not work as well as what we traditionally use for shoes


-- Posted from my iPhone

Location:Grand View Dr,Flagstaff,United States

Dungadinn and stumpy McGee

All trees should be considered pine trees. Oak pine, Maple pine, dogwood pine along with the traditional pines.




-- Posted from my iPhone

Alphabet soup and swollen sphincters

They should make a special edition of shoots and ladders with pits of serpents at the bottom of each ladder.

They could call it shoots and ladders and serpents


-- Posted from my iPhone

small infantry soldiers in the kitchen sink

Bob Costas at Home:

That's the skit

"it was a shot of destiny, a shot of hope" as he poops.

"putting an exclamation point on an already historic career" as his wife serves dinner.

that's all i got

Funky boogers making christmas cookies

I bet Crystal Clear Pepsi is all they drink in hell.

But they probably like it.

Trucks trucking and cars doodling on pilgrim hats

An army of frogs is what a group of frogs is called.

Snow is cold


-- Posted from my iPhone

Location:S Woodlands Village Blvd,Flagstaff,United States

Bon voyage motherfucker!

The best way to shit is to:

Step 1: when urge to shit first comes. Wait! The urge might disappate. If so...wait longer.
Step two: when urge comes back...shit



-- Posted from my iPhone

angry rabbits

Political correctness is for queers.

I search for Sebastian every time I'm on Wikipedia

The best way to spell stupid is incorrectly and the best way to spell victory is acquittal.

I'd watch a midget porn with Santa and his elves.

Soy milk or a starving Eskimo child lost in Africa

I think that when they promote someone - an actor/actress in a movie, a singer in a commercial for their latest album, a scandalous celeb opening up their home/heart for the first time - and they describe the experience as - "see them as you've never seen them before" - they should immediately rearrange their face graphically to make sure you are seeing them as you've never seen before.

Just don't fuck it up.

Smelly socks causes tooth decay

Disco stick? I think not Lady Gaga

Party in the USA? No Miley.

Fireflies in owl city?

Someone put an end to this madness!


-- Posted from my iPhone

ask me where the cheese is one more time

2 ideas:

One - a restaurant, let's call it, say, "Everything's Hot" has a caption that says something like: "The restaurant where EVERYTHING is hot." It's a ubiquitous phrase in all the restaurant's marketing collateral, menus, napkins...servers have to say the phrase "Remember, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. is hot..."

There is no way a patron could eat there without being informed of how there is a strong spice flavor, hot pepper, jalapeno, habanero or related ingredient that makes your tongue burn and your nose run. (Go ahead, tell me this restaurant would fail and then sniff your balls).

To enforce this disclaimer, Everything's Hot puts in copy all on these items, "Our goal is to make certain that anyone that ever eats here is 100% aware that the food will be hot and spicy. If we ever have to face a frivolous, mindless, spineless, lawsuit claiming damages of any kind related to a patron's reaction/criticism of how spicy our food is, we will have the press dub you, "The Stupidest Person E.V.E.R. From the Stupidest Town E.V.E.R. Because that's what you will be."

Then, if some asshole ever actually does try to sue them where a judge/court/lawyer actually pick the case up for personal gain and notoriety, it will be picked up on all wire services as, "Stupidest Town E.V.E.R. produces Stupidest Person E.V.E.R. to see Everything's Hot: The restaurant where E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. is hot."

Or simply, "Stupidest Person E.V.E.R. VS. Everything's Hot"

2: A murder mystery where the murderer is a terminally ill person that kills a public figure/just anyone where the crime turns into a press spectacle and watches the trial spin out of control without any leads or even someone else go to trial as they slowly die in the hospital. Sick, right.

Any then someone, somehow, realizes it was the terminally ill person that did it and then they murder the terminally ill person in their hospice bed.

poisonous jackrabbit

oh my God - you fuckin' make cakes that look like things and are very decorative.

Who gives a shit.

You want to impress me with cake building, start a line of cakes that are replicas of midgets.

I want to see ewoks and Willow. I want to see weeman. Danny DeVito.

And maybe some smurf cupcakes.

Haircurlers and green vomit

I don't know what I would do if pickled asparagus was such a thing. It would probably be disgusting.

I've been sitting here for ten minutes and still no sign of superman


-- Posted from my iPhone

kitten whispers

I think the next famous serial killer should do a take off on Seven.

Instead of killing people in the extreme methods attributed to the seven sins, they kill ethnicities by saturating them in their stereotypes.

Italians would be tied down in barber's chair and drowned in spaghetti.

Asians would be force fed caffeine and energy pills and made to stay up doing math problems for 14 days.

The British would have to eat their own teeth until they choked.

Trick or treat

Ive never known anyone who trapped a bear. I've never known anyone who collected the gas they let out of their ass in a jar. I've never experienced the stench from a collected fart that was released a year later.

I need to take a shit now.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Slamming a tree down the anus

Bubblegum.


-- Posted from my iPhone

chalices, chalices, chalices...

I think the word "bathroom" has grown tired and stale. In the same vein which saw society move away from water closet and choose the aforementioned word, the time has come to begin retiring bath and room.

"The peepooroom."

That or vaganus and phallanus.

Trigonometry suitcase

Food intake is complete. Pooping the food out to commence soon


-- Posted from my iPhone

Wasabi mustache propaganda

Hot molasses burns. Boiling hot molasses burns more.

Chicken shit is grotesque. Especially on a ceasar salad.

In this tipsy topsy turvy world how does one know where to grab the sunshine muffins. Nowhere.

Colonics!!!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Bang boobies beelzebub

Umm excuse me sir but you have stale Biscuits and gravy in your deaf pumpkin patch. Please remove them or we'll be forced to baptize your children in piss


-- Posted from my iPhone

i must have punched you in the face a million times

"Kick me in the shins!" I told her.

But she didn't listen.

So I had to show her the punishment for not kicking me in the shins.

And I ate her mother's face while she watched.

And then I punished her.

Grandma and grandpa gave all the children booze and told em to shut the hell up

White toilet paper doused in kerosene isn't so good for much except to set fire to things.

I enjoy asking people how there food is just after they've put some in their mouth. Makes them look and probably feel awkward and makes me laugh


-- Posted from my iPhone

Do politicians have vaginas?

It was hot and sunny. Translation: my ass is moist!


-- Posted from my iPhone

God Damn turd burglars

What ever happened to predicability?

The milkman?

The paperboy?

Evening TV?

Oh, I think predictability jumped the shark when I fucked a green sea turtle in the face.

mamby pamby

when you go to the bathroom what happens?

Do kittens fly out of your anus? (yes? Tape it and make money)

Do you recall the time you first found level 8 in Zelda on NES?

I think about how I would stalk and kill a leprechaun if I ever saw one.

But wait, is there such a thing as a female leprechaun?

If there is such a thing and the leprechaun I hunted and killed was female, I'd make her cook me dinner before I killed her.

And it would have to be something I liked and was cooked properly or else she'd really fucking get it!

Is that your Belgium waffle?

The pilsbury doughboy can go fuck himself


-- Posted from my iPhone

Licking live firecrackers in the damp basement of a vampires house on a chilly Tuesday before memorial day weekend

Someone said the food had porn oil in it. So then I asked "what kind of porn oil?" So they replied "soft core." I asked "where does porn oil come from?" the chef rather matterofactly responded "Yams."

Belch up that mother fucker!

-- Posted from my iPhone

tickled in your inner child's lung

Sometimes when I think of who I want to punch in the face more than anyone, I think I sell myself short.

I wouldn't just punch Oprah. I would punch her when she was in her twenties and then frame her for felony crack possession.

Like the world wouldn't be a better place without her.

FUCK MY COCK!

So much shit coming out of the butt right now

Fire Breathing Thunder Cunt is a fun thing to call just about anyone.

500 days of summer would have been a better title if it was 2 1/2 days of summer

East bumblefuck? Where is east bumblefuck? What is a bumblefuck? What is a bumble?do people fuck bumblebees in bumblefuck?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Porcupine man face

Christmas trees make me laugh cause what if something different was the symbol of Christmas. Can you imagine the world if elephant statues were the symbol of christmas?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Pig cock and ape tits

I'm not sure what I would do if someone shit themselves on a train with such force that all passengers in the car heard their bowels emptying.

My biggest concern would be if the bowel emptying became contagious.

Could you imagine if the train was crowded?

You've just been touched in places you wouldve prefered not to be touched

Would you like chocolate chip or pistachio cookies?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Slipped on a puddle of shit and vomit today

I just saw a woman wearing an orange and red skirt with an orange and red shirt. What the fuck is her problem!


-- Posted from my iPhone

The toxic avenger ate my five year old muffin

Whichever way you came from you better go back that way cause this is poop that I hold in my hand and I will throw it at you with such velocity that it'll make you wonder if you were ever tall enough to ride roller coasters!!

Ducktales was a decent cartoon. Only made me want to fart on a duck once or twice.


-- Posted from my iPhone

My dead uncle was a paramecieum brain

I don't know how loose your stool was but mine was quite loose

Every time you touch yourself my eyes bleed pickle juice

how come every time you poop you pee, but when you pee you don't always poop?

I don't know what to be more upset about.

***NEWS FLASH: Your cousin is Japanese and dead***

I'm pretty sure the funniest combination of a thing to say followed by an action would be:

"don't look now but i'm gonna slap your stupid face with this dead rotting trout fish." immediately followed up by the mentioned action. the trout fish would really need to be dead and really need to be rotting for it to have maximum impact and affect though.

One day I want to say and do this to someone. My life(or anyone's life) I feel would be complete right then and there.

if atlantis ever existed I'm glad it doesn't now.

its a wednesday in january and still no sign of the apocalypse.

i think the gayest modern song a man could sing a long too is the "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song. I'm sorry but...GAY!

Firecrackers set my T-Rex aflame

Cold weather and warm weather are weathers equivalent to day and night. Swarms of bees are natures equivalent to a "fuck you" and so is a rabid bobcat for that matter.

I don't like the way hot wax sounds in a dark room during the afternoon of a cold day with rabid bobcats roaming bee infested streets


-- Posted from my iPhone

everywhere I go I see fashionless gypsies that make my penis cry

I would love to be friends with someone that had a disorder that forced them to end everyone of their sentences with "and I have to skip everywhere I go."

I would exploit the shit out of that.

Chartreuse time bombs

Fans of Yankees have no balls. Being fans of a team that win the world series every other year since the beginning of baseball is like betting on a seemingly sure thing. Not to mention it's the obvious path. Grow a set of balls and take a path less traveled and cheer for a team that isn't a sure thing.

My anus doesn't bleed anymore

titties and balls. now go shuck me some oysters

What do the Yankees say every time the call goes against them?

They always speak under their breath with a look of disbelief...

"Man, that's not a strike. How can you call that a strike? I'm on the Yankees man. I'm on the Yankees."

"Man, that guy was out man - that guy was out. How can you call that guy safe? I'm on the Yankees man...I'm on the Yankees."

"That was fair man, that was fair. How can you guys think that? It was obviously inside the line. How can you guys say that? I'm on the Yankees man. I'm on the Yankees."

"Of course we won. We're the Yankees man...we're the Yankees."

"Of course I've seen A-Rod naked. I'm on the Yankees man, I'm on the Yankees."

Crocodiles are for raping. Alligators are for puncturing with broken woodwinds

Windows are seethru yes, but can they split tectonic plates!? I think not you shitfucker!

applesauce cake is for queers

If I could be a monster in real life, I would still eat human food and just scare the shit out of people to sustain a living as a night thief.

I would not eat humans or pets other than standard Chinese food.

Popeye is a real motherfucker

Aunt Jemima is a bitch of a dirty whore too


-- Posted from my iPhone

Soup and salad make my trousers hurt

I hate for that matter the way mayonaise is spelled. It's too much and a little excessive. It could be spelled mayonase or mayonaze but no. The "I" really serves no purpose when you stop and think about it even for a half a second.

I would never fuck a kangaroo. Ever.

Men with mayonaise mustaches

People with dirty feet wearing sandles(and/or other dirty visible body parts) don't belong on public buses. They belong in front of a firing squad. No excuse for having dirt encrusted on ones own human flesh for any length of time. I can see just after gardening or something but wash up afterwards. Fucking shit!


-- Posted from my iPhone

I hate you mayonnaise

I’d like to see a wikipedia entry for “things in the bishop’s face”.

I haven’t decided whether I should create a product, write a book or make news by doing something fantastic and then saying, “I did it because of the things in the bishop’s face.”

Or the bishop’s fucking face.

Whatever, it not like the Smurfs were cool. They were all fucking shit faced little turds.

Thanks for the glockenspeil. Now go fuck yourself

I think the person who sings the "I wanna know what love is I want you to show me" song should have razor blades shoved down their throat and up their anus.


-- Posted from my iPhone

shit's for real now, like I don't know

I think it would be fitting if someone had a really cool idea or invention/gadget and they were going to call it the fannypack and it was going to be life changing for society.

Then they saw what we now refer to as a "fannypack" on someone's persons and they didn't know what it was. The inventor went up and asked them what it was they were wearing and they said it was a "waist-belt-pack", but a latino stranger overheard them and said, "That's a fucking fannypack."

Then, both the inventor and the fannypack wearer had their respective moments of realization of what this meant...they were both crushed.

The inventor never got over it. He let the fact that what a fannypacks was referred to before his invention hit ruin what was to be a life changing revolution for us, his fannypack.

I would never feel bad for this person and hope they cut off their toes one by one in an annual event that they looked forward to. But the fannypack inventor lived in their parents' basement and knew they had to come up with excuses why they were losing toes, so they moved out and became a toeless bum.

Pine trees are a smug bunch of bitches

Hybrid electric buses think they're so special with their hybridness and their electricness. You're a bus. If you were powered by nuclearness you'd still be a bus. There is nothing special about that. What a waste of cool technology....airplanes wouldn't be so arrogant about having that ability if they had it. Yet they would still probably kick ass.

The mozzarella is moldy. Shit on that

Gooey gusts of Graham cracker crusts

Christmas Henry would be a dumb name for a person. It would be a dumb name for anything really. We should find the one Christmas henry in the world as I'm sure if there is one there is only one and kill the fucker. Just put them out of their misery. It would probably be considered a favor.

I don't like people that swim in the Hudson river. Who do they fucking think they are


-- Posted from my iPhone

Snickers slogans are getting dumb

The ultimate insult I feel would be taking a dump while looking straight at someone. By someone I mean your worst enemy or a person you don't get along with. Spitting while looking at someone was once considered an insult and probably still is. But shitting while you stare at the person suggests that "this brown stuff coming out of my butt right now is what I think of you" how would the person not know this is what you are suggesting. Unless they are obtuse as a fuck. If that's the case then they really are shit.

Red lobsters shrimp deal? Is it me or should red lobster be called red shrimp! Seriously...what the fuck!




-- Posted from my iPhone

I just took a shit

It was good


-- Posted from my iPhone

asking price

I wish I could function at a level that produced clowns springing chickens eternal while relishing in the thought of making cheese fly.

Fuck your mother.

Limestone paperweights made to look like Bo Jackson

I'm glad blades of grass are blades of grass and not sharpened pencils instead.

At the same time stationary would be a lot less expensive if the blades of grass were pencils. But do they have to be sharpened? It would be mildly more comfortable if they were unsharpened.

Either way it'll be difficult to mow lawns. Tractors and lawnmowers would need to be rethought and redone.

Conclusion:
not trying to grow pencils instead of grass will benefit all parties involved in ways unimaginable at present.

The black eyed peas song "I got a feeling" gives me the feeling that that song sucks dirty rat cock


-- Posted from my iPhone

What if Santa was just another bysexual sailor.

Fuck Kidney beans. Fuck lima beans too. They both suck. Fuck them.

I'm glad I don't have Lou Ferigno super glued to my arm or other apendage

Cry babies make me want to stab someone in the heart with a crow bar. Preferably the cry baby. They wine about this and they moan about that. if i had a pine cone for every time I heard a cry baby gripe about something i'd stick the said pine cone up the said cry babies ass and then twist it so their anus bleeds. then they'll really have something to cry about.

Radishes are not my favorite vegetable.

trebek, canada

If there was a multiverse where humans are instead giant assholes, what would a vagina feel like?

your 3rd cousin twice removed is a dirty meatball flavored gumball

I don't like all the fuss about horror movies. I find most horror movies are about as scary as a sack of potatoes. Just a plain ole ordinary sack of potatoes. I only hope that the people making these are not aiming for a movie as scary as a sack of potatoes. Cause that isn't very scary. They should really strive for a sack of moldy potatoes. Cause that is fucking scary. Usually wet. Usually slimy. Usually found with things growing out of them. Horror movies are usually the most frustrating genre of movie as well. Turn on a fucking lite when you go in a house!! Ya Fucks!!

Chocolate Milk

I don't understand what is so scary about Greek gods and their lightning bolts.

Unless the lightning bolt was full of AIDS - then we're talking.

Sack of stinky sudds

It's refreshing to know shit smells. Cause if it didn't smell something would be wrong.

Think about it. Eat a bunch of different things all day long. If all those things combined to smell like roses it would be like driving really fast into a tree and your car not crushing on impact and instead it inflates like a balloon.

Shit stinks cause it shouldn't be any other way.


-- Posted from my iPhone

sasquatch sally

last night I dreamed I was hanging on the sidewalk with friends. We were all around these two tables lined up next to each other so they took up most of the width the sidewalk had to other and stretched about 10 feet down. they were long.

As most dreams go, I was aware something was happening but not much else - no discerning conversations or crazy gesticulations, until something happened.

I became violently ill and let myself down easy on to the ground...then I leaned over the curb and began vomiting a dying cat. I vomited a dying cat.

It was a big feline, one that made you say, "Damn, you got a big cat," if you ever saw it when visiting someone.

I must have stood up at some point, because the cat dropped from a few feet off the ground - by the time it splattered onto the sidewalk, it was dead and drenched in bile. It was disgusting and I had myself thinking that my life was ending in a horrible way.

The I threw up a snake and realized it was a dream.

Nazi Conformist Cheerleaders

I would pay to see someone that was allergic to the song "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

Every time they heard the song, they violently threw up.

if heaven farted

what has worried me and still crosses my mind from time to time involves the 3 most unpopular animals on the planet: pigeons, seagulls and Canadian Geese.

The concern is a scenario that plays out where these three fowl foul band together in a bid to take over the earth. with birds closely linked to dinosaurs, the outcome of this happening only means doom of apocalyptic proportions.

I don't like the idea of the three of them together. If the geese take the leader role, the population of all three will skyrocket exponentially and simply overpower us in numbers.

if the pigeons take over, they will be mutinizied by the geese and the first scenario will play out. the twist will be that in the short time the pigeons ruled, their horrible hygiene will have infiltrated the group and all the birds will have AIDS.

If the seagulls take the lead role, we will all die from sleep deprivation.

I wish we could eat Canadian Geese just so there wasn't so many of them around. That way, if we have to deal with the pigeons and seagulls banding together, there won't be so many of them...plus they're pushovers.

Benchpress this motherfucker!

An elephants weight in gold is an obnoxious amount of gold. An amount of gold any man would gladly accept after a spitting contest, watermelon hurling contest, vomitting contest, aerobics contest, suumersaut contest, boogie board eating contest, nerf turbo football throwing contest, lemon sucking contest or any other contest. The man that wouldn't accept that gold is an alien or subcreature and deserves an elephants weight in elephant afterbirths and still born elephants. Tootsie rolls are pretty tasty.

-- Posted from my iPhone

That's what you think

if a skunk and a platypus ever mated, I'd be pretty pissed.

1. definitely because no one told me about it and there's no way I would be the first one to know.

2. because it would take a long time to find out about it

3. when the offspring of this stinky, flippy breeding session was discovered, ecologists would give it a shitty name like Sprangpuss when the name of Plattunkapotamusstinkface would have much higher marketing potential.

Grappling hooks in my alphalpha sprouts

Wrigleys makes chewing gum out of what no one knows, not even wriggleys. Assorted flavors, assorted ways to make ones mouth bleed. Can one really chew gum so long the mouth will bleed? Never heard of it before but I suppose. Wonder if there is a certain assorted flavor that pedophiles like most. If so wrigleys should stop production of it. I'll bet it's juicyfruit. As much as I like this flavor I would be alright with it no longer being made if it meant pedophiles had one less thing to enjoy. Time to make boom boom in the toilet.

We didn't bring snacks

we didn't bring snacks.  we had curly fries. it might as well be known that we later considered it the day of the curly fry.  Tasted like potatoes they did.  Fucking salty potatoes.  potatoes so salty they make you wanna go fuck a puddle(at the very least) in an attempt to regain at least some of the moisture lost by the body.  we like our curly fries this way.  reminds us of shit. fuck.

Dung beetles say...

Movies based on encyclopedia britanica would be good if it weren't for all the words used in the encyclopedias. How the fuck does one take a shit with all that mess laying about


-- Posted from my iPhone

your ass smells

if a woodchuck could chuck wood i wouldn't give a fuck.
whose gay ass is giving a fuck that a woodchuck can chuck?
it wouldn't surprise me if that fucker can chuck some wood - he's called a woodchuck you fuckin' fucks.

taste it...its good.

When I do flips on my trampoline it angers the most fanatical of religious fanatics because it is exactly
the flip that reminds that fanatic that there is no religion that could condemn a person from doing such a thing.